Grateful Series: The BestWorst Two Years
INTRODUCTION
The last two years have been the best worst two years of my life. Every day it felt like I was faced with another challenge I couldn’t handle, yet tomorrow always seemed to just arrive out of nowhere. It wasn’t like I was overcoming the challenges, or that I felt I was learning from them, it was more that the consistency of time didn’t afford me any other option. 2016 was a year of uphill battles. 2017 was mostly a year of loss. But half of 2017 and up to today, I could not be more grateful for it all.
Many people may not be aware of the struggles I trudged through. It’s not like I experienced a death in my family, or was dealing with a terminal illness, or was going through financial difficulty – in fact, quite the opposite, I am one of the most privileged people I know. I was brought up in a comfortable home in the southern suburbs of the most beautiful city on Earth. I grew up in the most warm, loving family of 6, surrounded by kind and supportive friends. I went to 2 incredible schools and one highly recognised university. I have travelled more than 90% of the population. I have everything I could possibly need and more. And yet, despite all of this, I was crippled by depression and anxiety.
The depression and anxiety began in 2014 and only seemed to snowball as the months and years went on. Because of my previously mentioned privilege, I didn’t feel like I had a right to feel sad. I kept on telling myself I was ridiculous and that my problems were nothing compared to the majority. But the unfortunate thing about depression that genuinely “happy” people don’t understand, is that the unbearable sadness you wake up with is not a choice. You can point out all the things we should be grateful for. You can tell me to make the decision to be happy. You can even throw gifts and holidays in my direction to probe an honest smile. But any laugh or smile I create is an untrue reflection of my feelings for your benefit, and your benefit alone. For me, it only adds to my guilt and despair. Why? Well I can see how my sadness affects you.
There was no improvement during my university years and after completing my degree at UCT I wanted 2016 to be about personal growth and adventure. I wanted to try and pull myself out and experience true joy. I researched places to go and work overseas so that I could experience a different lifestyle and some solo travel. But apparently my plans were irrelevant, because my teeth and jaw decided I needed to stay in Cape Town. Basically I was told if I didn’t have a major jaw operation soon I would lose my front teeth, grind my back molars down to nothing and experience severe jaw and TMJ problems.
Goodbye travel plans, hello doctors’ appointments....
In 2016, as a young adult (who looks incredibly young by the way, some have said 12!) trying to establish a more mature adult identity, I was suddenly plastered with braces on my teeth and thrown into the category of insecure teenager going through “that awkward teenage phase”. While I felt like a mature adult entering the working world, my appearance and the comments of everyone around me said otherwise. Hence, I was conflicted. The social anxiety worsened, the depression grew and I became the worst version of myself.
Then I had the op and was faced with a whole different beast….
I will post about just the op at some stage, but if I were to describe the experience here this blog post would never end, so I’ll give a brief summary to provide some context. The surgeon cut my gums, broke my top jaw in three places, broke my bottom jaw in two, shifted them both into place, stitched up the gums, placed a plastic mold in my mouth, closed my jaw in place with the mold and wired my mouth shut. This left me unable to communicate, unable to show emotion, and worst of all, unable to get any food into my body other than clear, clear liquids through a syringe.
While I was only supposed to live like this for 2 weeks, I ended up living like this for a year and a half, which resulted in a major emotional, psychological and physical transformation.
As a result, 2016 was a year of battles. It became the year I was forced into anorexia. It was the year my beautiful relationship of 4 and a half years at the time turned ugly. It was the year my friends and family didn’t know how to handle me. It was the year I contemplated ending my life. It was the year I needed medication to help me get through it. And it all tumbled into 2017 which started as a year of loss. The year I lost my boyfriend and best friend. The year I lost my second family. The year I lost the relationship with my sister. The year I lost my appetite. The year I lost perspective on my body. But worst of all, the year I watched my close friends and family suffer because of me.
While I was going through it all, I felt like I was drowning. I felt like I had been given more than I could handle. But in retrospect, I wouldn’t change one thing
If you’re interested in how this all changed, watch this space for the next post in the series.
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